Friday, November 20, 2009

University of Michigan Jokes

UPDATED: November 29, 2014

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Mike W. walked into our living room with a dachshund under his arm. The dog was wearing a Michigan jersey and helmet, and was festooned with Michigan pom-poms.

I said, “Hey! I don't allow stuff like that in my house!”

Mike got down on his knees and begged. “Look, I’m desperate. We’re both big fans, my TV is broken, and this is the only place around where we can see the game!”

"Well ... Okay," I said. "But I'm warning you. If there's any trouble from either of you, you'll have to leave."

The big game began with the Wolverines receiving the kickoff. They marched down the field, got stopped at about the 30, and kicked a field goal. With that the dog jumped up on the couch, and began giving high-fives to everyone.

I was surprised. “That is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen! What does the dog do when the Wolverines score a touchdown?”

Mike looked at the floor and quietly responded. "I don’t know, I’ve only had him for six years.”

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Q: What is the difference between a Michigan jersey and an onion?

A: No one cries when you cut up a Michigan jersey.

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Two boys are playing football at a park in Ann Arbor when one of the boys is suddenly attacked by a crazed Rottweiler.

Thinking quickly, the other boy takes a stick and shoves it under the dog's collar, twists it, and breaks the dog's neck, thus saving his friend.

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A sports reporter who was strolling by sees the incident and rushes over to interview the boy. He tells the boy, "I'll title it 'Young Wolverine Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal'".

"But I'm not a Wolverine fan," the little hero replies.

"Sorry, since we're in Ann Arbor, I just assumed you were," says the reporter, and he starts writing again. He asks "How does 'Spartan Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack' sound?"

"I'm not a Spartan fan either," the boy says.

"Oh, I thought everyone in Michigan was either for the Wolverines or the Spartans. What team do you root for?" the reporter asks.

I'm an Ohio State Buckeyes fan," the boy replies. "They're the best."

The reporter smiles, starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes: "Juvenile Delinquent From Columbus Kills Beloved Family Pet."

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One day my nephew decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to my wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "Go Michigan." She yelled back, "Use hot water, a box of Tide and four cups of bleach."

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A man at a restaurant leans over to the man at the next table and says, “Hey, do you want to hear a University of Michigan joke?”

The man didn't look very happy. “Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I am six feet tall, 200 pounds and a Michigan graduate. The guy sitting next to me is 6-2, 225 pounds and a Michigan graduate. The guy sitting next to him is 6-5, 250 pounds and is also a Michigan graduate. Do you still want to tell that joke?”

The first man frowned. “Nah, not if I'm going to have to explain it three times.”

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Practice in Ann Arbor was delayed for two hours yesterday when one of the players happened to look down and noticed a suspicious looking, unknown, white powdery substance on the field. Brady Hoke immediately suspended practice as the FBI was called in, who later determined that the substance was actually the goal line. Practice resumed when the FBI decided that the team would not encounter the substance again.

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Q: Why did they change the playing field at "The Big House" to cardboard?

A: Because Michigan has always looked better on paper.

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A grade school teacher who was a U of M graduate asked the class if they wanted Michigan to win the game. All the children raised their hands to be like the teacher except for one little girl. The teacher asked the little girl why she didn't raise her hand. The little girl replied "because I like Ohio State". Flustered, the teacher asked why she liked Ohio State. The little girl said “because my parents root for Ohio State. The teacher asked the little girl if she copied everything her parents did and the little girl replied "yep". The teacher asked "What if your parents were idiots" and the little girl replied "Well ... then I guess we would be Michigan fans".

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A little boy and his mother were walking through the cemetery when they spotted a headstone that read “Here lies a Michigan graduate and a good man.” The little boy turned to his mother and asked, “Mommy, why did they bury two people in there?”

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A Wolverine football player was almost killed today in a tragic horseback riding accident. He fell from the horse and was nearly trampled to death. Luckily, the manager of K-Mart came out and unplugged the horse just in time.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

Why is ice no longer available at OSU football games? Because the senior who knew the recipe finally graduated!

Anonymous said...

What are the three longest years of an Ohio State football player's life? His fresman year!

Anonymous said...

What did the average OSU student get on his SAT? Drool!

Andy Rupert said...

Most of these jokes can be used for either school. I read those three as Michigan jokes earlier today. Enjoy them all.

Anonymous said...

Well, I read them as OSU jokes yesterday!

Andy Rupert said...

Did you know that in Poland they tell Michigan jokes?

dale said...

Andy, I laughed so hard, I fell out of my chair!

The KU-Mizzou rivalry (recall the original "Border War") doesn't even come close as OSU-M#@*&!.

Thought I'd thorw that in for a good laugh at "what's that state's name again?".

EggsnGrits said...

These are generally Tennessee jokes from me, but I'll tell them Michigan style....

What do you have when you've got 32 Michigan fans? A full set of teeth.

How do they protect the turf in the Big House? They muzzle the cheerleaders.

Did you know that Michigan has considered changing their mascot to the common possum? Yep, because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.